right now i really wanna just take somethign and go to sleep you have no idea how much im hating everything right now life, them, everyone.. and i really miss jeremy i havent seen him all weekend and ugh i dont know.. im just down.. and i feel like not being here anymore.. i knida feel like once again i dont matter.

im really starting to hate this

hwy cnat i just not let it bother me... why cant i be normal? i just wanna not think abotu it or anything but i cant i dont know whats worng with me im going to ruin him and me.. and maybe thats what i want? but i know i dont.. cus when i think about losing him i lose it.. but the way im acting is as if i want to lose him and i dont and my actions do make sense. and im so confused.and last night i reallly considered doing something i havetn done in the longest time. but i really considered it i was so upset i dont want to go back to that person. and i think thats where im headed.. and im scared. i cant tell anyone cus they would think im nuts and wouldnt understand how it is. he thinks hes not good enough for me i think hes to good and im just gonna hold him back in life we end up together and its probably true i think i need meds. im usually always depressed and i dont want to be i just cant stop it. i feel like crying all the time and i consider thigns normal people wouldnt.. im obsessive to an extreme and most of the time i wouldnt care if i died. and that scares me becus i dont want to die but when i feeel like that it seems like i wouldnt care and maybe i wouldnt at the moment in time and it scares me to know that i wouldnt care. if that makes any sense.. nothing makes sense anymore. i give up byy

depressed and out

man i just hate this crap why cant i just be one of them normal kids even the geeks have morefun than i do and are allowed to do more than i am. its like wtf?i just dont get and ugh just it makes me hate my life i just wanna have some freedom and have fun. No of course not.. moniques like wasnt fucked up enough with everythign lets suffcate her while were at it.. and like it makes me feel bad becus jeremy like should out be having fun with some girl and im not that girl thats ever gonna be out there having fun with him. and i dont know it just upsets me i want so bad to just have fun be stupid. and like just be a kid. my parents bitch and complain how they never got to be a kid cus they had kids yet it liek im the kid yet im still not having fun and i didnt have any kids.. it just fucking sucks and it just makes me have such a negitive out look on life becus it just like not i do is ever good enough and im being sufficated and thats exactly how i feel. its just fucking stupid i mean i think jeremy works alot on the weekends cus he knows im not gonna be able to do anything so he just takes the hours. and thats not how it should be.. it should be him not wanting to work during the weekend cus hes gonna go have fun with his girlfriend and just have fun.. but no..

i hate everything about my life.

im never going to be good enough for anyone

im not good enough for jeremy obvivously hes still has to talk to other girls and shti and look at them cus im not good enough

anything i do for my parents isnt ever good enough.. even if i try my hardest they still think its not good enough and i could do it better and thats not the case i try just it doesnt work

and im so sick of this shit if i could and wouldnt regret it i would easily just take something go to sleep and never wake up

or just run away.

i could survive. im capible of that i know. when i was younger i never "lived" somewhere we were always just staying i know how to survive when you dont have anything.

and im not afraid of doing it for that. im scared becus if i get caught it would make my life even worse than it all ready is.
its a challenge for me everytday just to live and it shouldnt be like that.
i keep telling myself only 21 months blah blah blah.. but i just dont want to wait.
ugh im just getting mad cus im thinking

so so so so so so

well jeremy just left.. and yea sigh of relief... i love him so much and i know things have gone on and stuff and i cant forget them but i can just not think or obsess over them anymore. i love him and like i was serious when i wtrote if he does one more thing it s over and i think hes got the point that im serious or at elast i hope he does cus im not playing around anymore. either its just me or no me and i think hes got the point.. and im so happy cus i feel like i dont have to worry abotu anythign anymore. were great and i love him so so so much!

okie dokie

ok so i dont wanna like jinx myself but things have been good between me and jeremy lately and im lovin it! and im loving him so much............... i love this and i love him even more.. hungry gotta go get hfood.. he completes me..........

my outlets

im just pissed off im not even gonna say why i just am and nobody would understand even if i had someone to tell and talk too...
which I DONT have anyone to talk to about this.
or at least neone who would understand whats going on in this head and what im feeling. i mean if i could tell someone i dont even know where i would start or where i was going with what i was saying. just i keep having these dreams and just its so messed up. why couldnt i just have a somewhat screwed up childhood not the one i had. i mean its not normal the things i think and the memories i have. why does just living have to be hard..it just hard being in my own head then dealing with the stresses and everything else that goes on everyday just in everyday life.
i dont want to live like this anymore.. i dont want these memories or just knowing everything that went on. i mean i wish i was one of them people whoc ould just block out bad thigns that happen. but i cant.life shouldnt be this hard. im serious it shouldnt.i let such little thing bother me that shouldnt.. i let life just go by never knowing how i manage to the next. i mess everything up i mean Darius and I arent even barely friends anymore. and thats my fault..why cant it just be easy anymore. well i guess it was never easy but i know its not getting ne easier to deal with if anything. id say harder. im so confused.. my head hurts.. i can say most likely ill be back tomorrow if im still feeling like this.... becus this is all i have to get owhats going on up there. and the crap i write in my book. thats about it. my outlets.

ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

why cant i just let things go.. i dont know maybe cus id ont feeel like i really know eveyrhting and he wont just tell me the truth... when i asked him why he told aaron he went over there but told me he didnt he just got pissed and never even answered me.. and i mean am i never gonna be able to get ver this untill i know.. im never going to know the truth.. so im screwed yet again