depressed and out

man i just hate this crap why cant i just be one of them normal kids even the geeks have morefun than i do and are allowed to do more than i am. its like wtf?i just dont get and ugh just it makes me hate my life i just wanna have some freedom and have fun. No of course not.. moniques like wasnt fucked up enough with everythign lets suffcate her while were at it.. and like it makes me feel bad becus jeremy like should out be having fun with some girl and im not that girl thats ever gonna be out there having fun with him. and i dont know it just upsets me i want so bad to just have fun be stupid. and like just be a kid. my parents bitch and complain how they never got to be a kid cus they had kids yet it liek im the kid yet im still not having fun and i didnt have any kids.. it just fucking sucks and it just makes me have such a negitive out look on life becus it just like not i do is ever good enough and im being sufficated and thats exactly how i feel. its just fucking stupid i mean i think jeremy works alot on the weekends cus he knows im not gonna be able to do anything so he just takes the hours. and thats not how it should be.. it should be him not wanting to work during the weekend cus hes gonna go have fun with his girlfriend and just have fun.. but no..

i hate everything about my life.

im never going to be good enough for anyone

im not good enough for jeremy obvivously hes still has to talk to other girls and shti and look at them cus im not good enough

anything i do for my parents isnt ever good enough.. even if i try my hardest they still think its not good enough and i could do it better and thats not the case i try just it doesnt work

and im so sick of this shit if i could and wouldnt regret it i would easily just take something go to sleep and never wake up

or just run away.

i could survive. im capible of that i know. when i was younger i never "lived" somewhere we were always just staying i know how to survive when you dont have anything.

and im not afraid of doing it for that. im scared becus if i get caught it would make my life even worse than it all ready is.
its a challenge for me everytday just to live and it shouldnt be like that.
i keep telling myself only 21 months blah blah blah.. but i just dont want to wait.
ugh im just getting mad cus im thinking

so so so so so so

well jeremy just left.. and yea sigh of relief... i love him so much and i know things have gone on and stuff and i cant forget them but i can just not think or obsess over them anymore. i love him and like i was serious when i wtrote if he does one more thing it s over and i think hes got the point that im serious or at elast i hope he does cus im not playing around anymore. either its just me or no me and i think hes got the point.. and im so happy cus i feel like i dont have to worry abotu anythign anymore. were great and i love him so so so much!

okie dokie

ok so i dont wanna like jinx myself but things have been good between me and jeremy lately and im lovin it! and im loving him so much............... i love this and i love him even more.. hungry gotta go get hfood.. he completes me..........

my outlets

im just pissed off im not even gonna say why i just am and nobody would understand even if i had someone to tell and talk too...
which I DONT have anyone to talk to about this.
or at least neone who would understand whats going on in this head and what im feeling. i mean if i could tell someone i dont even know where i would start or where i was going with what i was saying. just i keep having these dreams and just its so messed up. why couldnt i just have a somewhat screwed up childhood not the one i had. i mean its not normal the things i think and the memories i have. why does just living have to be hard..it just hard being in my own head then dealing with the stresses and everything else that goes on everyday just in everyday life.
i dont want to live like this anymore.. i dont want these memories or just knowing everything that went on. i mean i wish i was one of them people whoc ould just block out bad thigns that happen. but i cant.life shouldnt be this hard. im serious it shouldnt.i let such little thing bother me that shouldnt.. i let life just go by never knowing how i manage to the next. i mess everything up i mean Darius and I arent even barely friends anymore. and thats my fault..why cant it just be easy anymore. well i guess it was never easy but i know its not getting ne easier to deal with if anything. id say harder. im so confused.. my head hurts.. i can say most likely ill be back tomorrow if im still feeling like this.... becus this is all i have to get owhats going on up there. and the crap i write in my book. thats about it. my outlets.

ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

why cant i just let things go.. i dont know maybe cus id ont feeel like i really know eveyrhting and he wont just tell me the truth... when i asked him why he told aaron he went over there but told me he didnt he just got pissed and never even answered me.. and i mean am i never gonna be able to get ver this untill i know.. im never going to know the truth.. so im screwed yet again

reasons why im confused

ok so much shit has happened and i dont have neone to talk to..
jeremy verytime i try to ask him sumthing about it hes like here we go again.. and im not wanting to start anythign again. just i never found out when it wasnt settled and i still wanna know. i dont understand it im so confused.. i guess he went to saras.. and i mean i dont know he told me that he did then he said he was lying to me to get me to break up with him and blah blah blah and then i talked to aaron and he told aaron he went to her house. and so like how am i suppose to believe him when hes tellign everyone else that he did but not me? and sara swears up and down he did and she didnt want him to come over. and how i see it. is that he did go over there but he was wonted. and im so fucking sick of having to deal with them.. dont they get that everytime this shit goes on.. it makes me feel like a complete idiot and just hurts my feelings and makes me feel like im never gonna be good enough for him to just forget her and get over it? i mean i dont undertsand. i mean its to the point yes i love him but im not going to keep dealing with this. i mean i think if it happens again as much as its gonna hurt me to do it.. im going to have to break things off. and not on a "break" like break up for good. if they havent gotten over each other by now.. im not going to be able to wait until they do. they broke up like a year and half ago.. i mean common. me and sam broke up like 10 days before me and jeremy got toegterh adn i mean i know i wasnt completely over it.. but i mean a months or 2 i was completely over it.. and me and sam were way closer than him and sara. i mean me and Sam went threw way more than they did together.. and i just dont get it.. if they still want each other dont being peopel into it. like me and aaron. and i mean i know jeremy says he wants me but part of me thinks they still want each other just they know they cant work together so they are trying to just find someone who will deal with it.. and im not going to deal with it anymore. im sick of being paranoid abotu him talking to people online on his phone in general talking to other girls.. i was never like this.. until him.. and i mean hes given me reason not to trust him he'll even tell you that himslef.. but its like. i love him.. but i want to trust him and everything i start feeling like i do sumthign else pops up and im so sick of sumthing popping up.. i just want a relationship with him not a soap opera. im stressed all the time. and he keeps bringing up this break shit.. well breaks dont work for me i dont go on breaks either your with me or your not. theres no in between with me. and im sorry if that sucks but thats how it is.. i cant deal with breaks.

just i dont know. i love him.. and i want forever with him. but i cant have forever with no trust and right now i dont trust him.. and it makes me mad at myself that i cant trust him.. but its not my fault.. and im mad at myself becus i want it so bad with him but he just cant have me trust him becus he always does sumthing. im just so confused and darius wont talk to me about him anymore. and i dont have neone except jeremy and darius.. becus i ruin all friendships and no ones likes me.. my own parents dont. im just not the type of person that is suppose to be happy i guess cus everything that makes me happy always gets messed up and falls apart.