reasons why im confused

ok so much shit has happened and i dont have neone to talk to..
jeremy verytime i try to ask him sumthing about it hes like here we go again.. and im not wanting to start anythign again. just i never found out when it wasnt settled and i still wanna know. i dont understand it im so confused.. i guess he went to saras.. and i mean i dont know he told me that he did then he said he was lying to me to get me to break up with him and blah blah blah and then i talked to aaron and he told aaron he went to her house. and so like how am i suppose to believe him when hes tellign everyone else that he did but not me? and sara swears up and down he did and she didnt want him to come over. and how i see it. is that he did go over there but he was wonted. and im so fucking sick of having to deal with them.. dont they get that everytime this shit goes on.. it makes me feel like a complete idiot and just hurts my feelings and makes me feel like im never gonna be good enough for him to just forget her and get over it? i mean i dont undertsand. i mean its to the point yes i love him but im not going to keep dealing with this. i mean i think if it happens again as much as its gonna hurt me to do it.. im going to have to break things off. and not on a "break" like break up for good. if they havent gotten over each other by now.. im not going to be able to wait until they do. they broke up like a year and half ago.. i mean common. me and sam broke up like 10 days before me and jeremy got toegterh adn i mean i know i wasnt completely over it.. but i mean a months or 2 i was completely over it.. and me and sam were way closer than him and sara. i mean me and Sam went threw way more than they did together.. and i just dont get it.. if they still want each other dont being peopel into it. like me and aaron. and i mean i know jeremy says he wants me but part of me thinks they still want each other just they know they cant work together so they are trying to just find someone who will deal with it.. and im not going to deal with it anymore. im sick of being paranoid abotu him talking to people online on his phone in general talking to other girls.. i was never like this.. until him.. and i mean hes given me reason not to trust him he'll even tell you that himslef.. but its like. i love him.. but i want to trust him and everything i start feeling like i do sumthign else pops up and im so sick of sumthing popping up.. i just want a relationship with him not a soap opera. im stressed all the time. and he keeps bringing up this break shit.. well breaks dont work for me i dont go on breaks either your with me or your not. theres no in between with me. and im sorry if that sucks but thats how it is.. i cant deal with breaks.

just i dont know. i love him.. and i want forever with him. but i cant have forever with no trust and right now i dont trust him.. and it makes me mad at myself that i cant trust him.. but its not my fault.. and im mad at myself becus i want it so bad with him but he just cant have me trust him becus he always does sumthing. im just so confused and darius wont talk to me about him anymore. and i dont have neone except jeremy and darius.. becus i ruin all friendships and no ones likes me.. my own parents dont. im just not the type of person that is suppose to be happy i guess cus everything that makes me happy always gets messed up and falls apart.