im really starting to hate this

hwy cnat i just not let it bother me... why cant i be normal? i just wanna not think abotu it or anything but i cant i dont know whats worng with me im going to ruin him and me.. and maybe thats what i want? but i know i dont.. cus when i think about losing him i lose it.. but the way im acting is as if i want to lose him and i dont and my actions do make sense. and im so confused.and last night i reallly considered doing something i havetn done in the longest time. but i really considered it i was so upset i dont want to go back to that person. and i think thats where im headed.. and im scared. i cant tell anyone cus they would think im nuts and wouldnt understand how it is. he thinks hes not good enough for me i think hes to good and im just gonna hold him back in life we end up together and its probably true i think i need meds. im usually always depressed and i dont want to be i just cant stop it. i feel like crying all the time and i consider thigns normal people wouldnt.. im obsessive to an extreme and most of the time i wouldnt care if i died. and that scares me becus i dont want to die but when i feeel like that it seems like i wouldnt care and maybe i wouldnt at the moment in time and it scares me to know that i wouldnt care. if that makes any sense.. nothing makes sense anymore. i give up byy